Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm really busy with my period
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