she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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