We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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