made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
