I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
