I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
