Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
