I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
