Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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