Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
