I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
