I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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