my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
