look no pants
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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