So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She even gives head with a lisp.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Randomize
