yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
