Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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