no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
