I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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