ya dads aren't the best wingmen
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I forget how to act sober
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
