i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
