I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You made out with two different species that night
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
