the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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