Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
