for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
