Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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