mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
