oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
