please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
