He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
