Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
