so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
