I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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