it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
