I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
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