Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
