You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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