I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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