I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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