Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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