Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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