I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
