I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
