Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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