I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
