Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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