You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
