I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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