Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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