I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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