ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
